woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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