Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
