I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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