my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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