You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
