Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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