My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
