just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
