So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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