So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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