Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
