it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
