True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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