Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
