What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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