he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
