It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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