i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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