U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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