guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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