I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
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her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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