We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
