did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
