I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
