True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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