life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
