I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
