Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My hand turned me down
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
