I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My legs feel like baby dolphins
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
