Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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