my mouth tastes like poor choices
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
