She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
