where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I accidentally had phone sex last night
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
