For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
