I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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