opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
