Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Send help, water and tortillas.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
