Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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