Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dignity is for republicans.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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