And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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