Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
