You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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