I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
