i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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