wat bout pragnant strippers??
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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