so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
