Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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