i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
