I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
