She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
