Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
