with your own penis?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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