I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
