i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
