i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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