Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
