i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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