dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
