my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
