We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
